Happy Witch Wednesday!!!
For this weeks newsletter I want to go a little vulnerable and a little deeper than I usually do. I'm going to go a bit longer than I do too.
This past month in particular has been a major cracking open for me on so many levels. But this has been a new evolution I estimate since late January.
I stepped out of my comfort zone with my business by offering new services AND promoting them way more rapid fire than I have before. The words escaping my mouth felt so new, so scary and I went through and still get faced with the "fraud!" fears. But it also felt like...coming home.
And tears are welling up in my eyes as I type this. As I think about it. As I feel about it. Cause I know I'm starting (more like re-starting again!! haha) the breaking down so many fucking layers of conditioning.
The layers that have said "You're selfish, your'e living in fantasy, you don't work hard enough and never will, you are too nice, you are not nice enough, you are only good for this one thing and without you are nothing, it's too hard and you are not special, get real, get a job, get a bachelors and then a masters, you will never be creative enough, you are a wannabe, you are kidding yourself, you are damaged and it will be hard for any one to actually love you, you are incapable of unconditional love, you will be in this cycle forever, you are not safe, you must be kept safe."
Maybe our stories have different faces, themes, and circumstances but I bet our thoughts are the same.
I've been so broken down and worst of all confused throughout this. Every time I thought "This is it, I've found it. Now I can live happily ever after like every coach says I will!" ...yeah that didn't last.
It all means fucking nothing if you aren't willing to be in total surrender to yourself. If you aren't in total surrender to yourself. To your Intuition. I repeat, it means nothing if you're experiencing a method that does not makes you feel like magic and Intuitive.
All of the coaching and advice in the world couldn't penetrate deep enough because I had all these little security systems that did go deeper than what everyone else thought. I knew this with out cognitively knowing. But I tried to convince myself other wise that it was just a surface level "Oh you're trying something new!" or "Oh it's just a limiting belief that we need to coach away." When you aren't yet able to "see" what your Intuition is telling you, it is hard to abide by it.
And Yes, there is some truth to those statements but the the method of support I had received wasn't touching me where I needed to be touched to open up.
I began to understand that in my very Scorpio way, I needed to go deeper. Further. Darker. More obscure. More weird. More less fucks given. More rioting. And you need support that is a reflection of that.
And maybe you'll be surprised to know that not many coaches or mentors go there. They only think they do. But they don't. And maybe I'm asshole for saying that. But, it's the truth. I've been that person too so I can say that.
And I knew without knowing. And I knew there was a deeper truth I had to glimpse, touch, taste and feel in order to heal. Really HEAL. And I don't mean heal like "omg everything is wonderful now."
I mean heal in the manner of making peace with pain, suffering, happiness, light and dark and all that shit we experience as humans.
There's this really weird thing that happens when we do this:
We can be scared shitless and yet self-confident at the same time.
"And it's my whole heart
While tried and tested, it's mine
And it's my whole heart
Trying to bleach it out
And it's my whole heart
Burned but not buried this time
I'm on trial, waiting 'til the beat comes out
I'm on trial, waiting 'til the beat comes out"
-Which Witch, Florence & The Machine
That's how it feels to me ^
As I started doing Astrology reading for people I began to learn about myself. It's part of the reason why I love it so much, every facet of what it means to be human and magical is found within the transcripts of Astrology. It goes beyond Transformational Coaching methods and psychology. It delves into ancestral practices, mythologies, energy, and the psyche....all in such a magical way.
How often do we take some things so seriously that it sort of blocks us from seeing progress? That happened to coaching with me. It lacked the "magic" that I needed in order for it to sink into my subconscious, the back door to our Intuition. That's what I needed. And I know that there is a movement happening where this connection is craved.
I went to Salem earlier this month and was so deeply inspired and enriched. The Witch Trials, the souls lost that day were not even confirmed "witches"...they were just different. They were different for whatever reason and persecuted by those who didn't like them or feared them. I saw a community there that relished in the creativity that all things magic allows them.
And so now in 2016, I think, WOW what an opportunity we are given here to express our truest selves and not be burned or stoned or hanged to death. Wow, most of us live in countries were that would not happen (and my heart aches for those where it still does). It really is our duty to express.
Nisha Moodley says "The world will be set free by women who are free." In my language it's "The world will be set free by women who are fully expressed."
I want to share with you these amazing excerpt from an interview with the poet Segovia Amil in Sabat Magazine whose art is all about magic, witchery, and darkness. Her words put into words that which I haven't been able to yet:
"Within my work that is something I love- the duality between spirit and the physical, the inner and outer world- to show that they both exist and are intertwined."
"As artists, it is our job to make people question their beliefs. I'm very often stereotyped, but when people meet me, they see that I am kind, bubbly...Even though I have this dark demeanor. I'm actually really friendly. We make these stereotypes, but often what is behind them is not as scary as we think, and the darkness works in the same way. The dark is merciful, restorative; it is a time of retreat. The visual aspect of my work and my appearance is really of the utmost importance, and it's that first impression that really challenges the reader and the viewer to questions where they stand. It is not only beautiful - it is about abolishing that stereotype. Even if I write about light, I will always have that dark aesthetic."
Another profound healing moment for me this month came from an energy healing and Intuitive session with one of my friends, Erin, who has studied Chakras, psychic work, and energy for years.
Like many Sensitives I have "mystery" ailments that can be categorized as auto-immune responses and the session with her set off a new path of my healing. Knowing where the blocks were coming from, that there was nothing "wrong" with my body, that I have the power to heal myself...really opened up my soul. And better yet, I'm not like "Oh I'm going to Reiki myself to health and there you go!"...no it's more of a welcoming of my own power and ditching that victim mentality. I know there are things I can do to feel better and it's time to do them more consistently. It's time to allow myself to explore energy healing and ditch the skeptic in me for a while (that damn analyzing Virgo/Libra energy!!).
More or less it's time for me to embrace the power of my transformative Scorpio. (See why I love astrology?!)
It comes down to belief. If what you believe helps you heal. Helps you be more confident. Helps you feel more like YOU. Then honor it. Respect it.
You will know if you are deluding yourself. Our world has us question everything by nature. Don't worry about that.
Embrace the magic in your bones.
Are you with me?
Let me know!