Happy Witch Wednesday!
Like the title of this email says, I've got such a funky feeling. A lot has been transpiring for us collectively and personally shit has been intense. Everywhere I turn it seems there is a deeper and deeper unraveling and unveiling of self happening. My friends are going deeper, touching upon those new phases of evolution. And it seems to be happening fairly rapidly. I know for me, the past few months of my life have unfolded quite quickly and it's been a trip to say the least. I've been riding all the changes like a witch on a new broomstick the best I can.
Some days I feel like I'm coasting and other days I'm saying to myself "HOLY SHIT WHAT'S HAPPENING IT'S ALL FALLING APART". And you know what there is some truth to that...things are falling apart.
But it's things that NEED to fall apart. Like all the bullshit we have been spoon feeding ourselves. All the so-called truths of life that we are being called to un-learn. All of the insecurity. All of the pride. All of the ego. All of lies we've been telling ourselves. All the noise. All the sound. All of the what we think we want.
So much of it is falling apart. And it's really terrifying. And it feels down right FUNKY.
The past few days have been like that for me. I had fucking plans (work plans) that were "ruined" by this funky feeling. By the messages delivered to me from mouths of friends. Lots of fucking bold speak has been spewed my way and part of me is reeling because it's touched upon something I don't like within me.
The words "You are following other's paths" were expressed to me and stabbed me like a dagger in the back. See I'll be totally honest with you, I've struggled for a long fucking time trying to figure out how to make this whole entrepreneur thing work.The past year of my life was one of the most life-changing years that I've had in a long time. I felt broken so many times.
And yet the past few months I had finally been gaining the traction I had been working towards. I had followed my intuition and it led me to a place where I was finally touching other people the way I wanted to, I was finally making money in a manner that felt way more aligned than before, and visually speaking I was crafting something that felt like a more expressed version of me.
Yet, here it is the messages to "go deeper" "don't be distracted by shiny things" "ground" "you are a divine feminine sexual healer" "go slower"...have kept coming through from myself and from others who know me.
And it was scary. It was scary because there is a lot of momentum happening for me business wise and I don't want to "lose it" (HELLO FEAR). There is a lot of pride because well I worked really hard to get here and fuck you for saying slow down.
I have this inner push pull happening between fast and slow. I'm learning my balance. It's been trial and error. One week my work load is normal, the next week I'm busting out readings left and right with little time for anything else. And my adrenals are shot. But the impact I have on others and the way that I feel while mastering these moon readings is absolutely soul-making.
So what the fuck IS happening? Where is the funk coming from?
I'm still discerning that. Everytime I think I've figured it out, it shape shifts into another thing adding to the story line of evolution.
The funk is when you know things are falling apart within you that where are just no longer meant to fucking be there and you're kind bummed you have to let them go. You're kinda bummed you have to actual step into your power pants and where them for everyone to see. You're bummed because you don't really even have any idea what that actually means and your inner brat is pissed you're not allowed to see the surprise.
What if I like it? What if I don't? What if I actually have to speak up? What if I have to be...GASP..."mean"? What if I fuck that up? What if no one likes me any more? What if I piss someone off?
Loves, if you're going through this as well..know that I'm right there with you in my own way.
Some days you can be on cloud nine and other times you're down in the trenches. Some hours. Heck, some minutes.
Yesterday I did some work I needed to do. Then BOOM...BLOCK. Couldn't get started with the "important" shit I wanted to do for the life of me. I kept trying. And then I remembered the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.
My mental chatter and my body's divine feminine Lilith wisdom felt like they were doing battle and both where strong. Shit, this may be TMI but I think it's worth sharing...I kept trying to work but i actually felt like I wanted to masturbate. And so I did, twice. My body kept trying to get my attention. And honestly they were some damn good orgasms too. BOOM. Divine feminine sexual healer coming through (and no I have NO idea what that even means for me yet or how that will play out)
More back and forth and then finally I got up and drew myself a fucking bath. It was like something came over me. That feminine within was YELLING at me. And before I knew it with ease I knew exactly what to include in this bath to make it exactly what I needed in that moment. Shit tons of Epsom salt, Thieves oil, Bladder-wrack and Wormwood herbs, salt lamp, and...NO MUSIC. Normally I listen to music but instead I just wanted silence. Which is normally semi uncomfortable for me when I'm taking a bath. But silence.
And it was exactly exactly what I needed in that moment. And then I watched a trashy scary movie that actually happened to dabble with intuition and psychic stuff coming from a female deemed "crazy". THE IRONY.
Anyways, what I'm trying to say is....SLOW DOWN.
We have to find it within ourselves to slow down and to give that full permission to do so. Can't you feel the feminine RISING THE FUCK UP. And the whirlwind of frenzy happening around us.
Soften, go deeper, get vulnerable as much as you can in every moment that you can, it's uncomfortable but so very worth it to just...be FREE of your shame, lies, illusions, guilt, and ...BURDEN.
I do not have it all figured out. I go up and down and all around.
I'm a gorgeous divine fucking mess sometimes. But it's alright when you're committed to the intimate pursuit of personal truth.
I have never felt more messy and powerful than I do in this exact moment. We work in tandem with the inner and outer worlds and it's worth remind ourselves that none of it is actually separate from each other no matter how much we'd like to compartmentalize it.
Again, I do not have the answers. But when I sat down, this is what wanted to come out of me and needed to be expressed apparently.
Now I could go back and read this and figure out how to "modernize" or "masculinize" it with bullet points and tips but...no..I think I'll just leave it as it is...which does make me uncomfortable with questions of "oh will any body even bother to read this tangent if it's written so all over the place?"
And the answer is...yes...those who need to read this the most will read it and hear it's message.
And that is perfectly beautiful for me to know and accept. And it hit "send".
Happy Witch Wednesday!